This day used to bring happiness: my sweet niece's birthday! There were gifts, special lunches, and time with family to celebrate a special, bright, happy girl.
Now, on this and every day, I mourn her. At the young age of 19, she was killed in a car accident. Everything went grey. Sunshine dimmed and the brightness she spread faded. She is no longer here to blow out the candles, or enjoy her cake, or to ride up and down the block on her brand new bike or give her Gigi a hug. To actively think about her not being here is a huge punch in the gut. My mind almost wants to shut down with the thought of a future without her in it...of every day from here to forever existing in her absence.
In my attempt to be "normal" again, I tried to pretend like it hadn't happened. I would function during the day and breakdown at night after everyone was in bed. I couldn't fall asleep. Horrific scenes would conjure in my head. Feelings would well up and burst out into fits of tears and anxiety attacks and then, insomnia won. I turned to food, TV, crocheting, reading. I was upset...no, downright angry that God hadn't kept her with us. I wanted to blame Him. I would go to Mass and not participate because I didn't want to be happy with Him. I wouldn't pray at meal times. I was being a pouty, spoiled kid. But, my perfect heavenly Father was faithful. He was loving and the Holy Spirit eventually softened my heart and cleared my mind enough to realize that if I trusted Him in every other part of my life, I had to trust Him in this, too. I had to accept His will. I had to believe that His plan is perfect and that He was the only one who could heal our family.
So, I immersed myself in God's word and looked to the Biblical and Saintly men & women He has given us as examples. One of those men was Jeremiah the prophet. He was called by God as a teenager and in his long life of service witnessed destruction and slaughter...imprisonment and exile. In short, he earned the right to pen the book of Lamentations. Jeremiah knew suffering. There was little in which he could place his hope. And yet, by his faith-filled deeds, Jeremiah was able to relay the Lord's words, "For I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope."
But, even after all of the pain, death, and damage he witnessed, Jeremiah held onto the virtue of hope.
Jeremiah 14:17 reads:
"Let my eyes stream with tears
day and night, without rest,
Over the great destruction which overwhelmst
the virgin daughter of my people,
over her incurable wound."
Jeremiah totally gets it. He understands mourning and despair. The crying. The insomnia. The overwhelming, inconsolable sadness. But, he also understands hope. In his writings, Jeremiah told of God's judgment. He also promised a future of restoration. The prophet foretold of a New Covenant, and that became fulfilled through Jesus. Our Savior brought about new hope for eternal life by dying for our sins and opening Heaven's gates. Jeremiah never gave up on what God could and would do for His people.
So, by Jeremiah's example, it's natural and acceptable to suffer and mourn. Conversely, we must also accept that it is OK to hope and heal. Jesus is our great physician...our healer. In Him, we have the ability to continue living and thriving and when, not if, we have those days that feel too heavy to face, Jesus is there giving us hope through His unconditional love. He is what we need. Nothing else will fill the void of loss. His love doesn't falter. His grace and power are made perfect in our weakness.
Jeremiah, with faith and hope, wrote:
"The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in Him." (Lam. 3:24).
The pain of my sweet baby's absence will never go away. Our family feels incomplete without her here. But, with time and healing, we are becoming evermore able to lovingly reminisce with smiles on our lips and tears in our eyes. On her birthday, we will celebrate how she would celebrate: with fish tacos & margaritas, smiles & laughter, and maybe even some cake (not chocolate!) While we lament, we heal. We will continue to trust God through the mourning and hope for happiness in our future.
Eternal rest grant to her, Oh Lord,
And let perpetual light shine upon her.
May she rest in peace.
Amen
May her soul, and the souls of all the faithful departed,
through the mercy of God, rest in peace.
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